HOWTO: Kill your cat

Michael Koppelman,

First of all, I grew up in North Dakota and back in the day if you decided you didn’t want your cat or dog anymore, you killed your cat or dog. It wasn’t a big deal. You did it quick and humanely. (Although I have never personally killed a pet.) Being “put to sleep” is no more humane and, in my view, probably less humane than a quick unexpected blast from a shotgun.

I’ve loved a lot of pets in my day but I hate my cat. It’s fair, though, because my cat hates me. I think it’s fair to say we’ve always hated each other. You see, we got him first (Case is his name) and we instantly didn’t hit it off. So we got one of his brothers, too, whose name was Q. Q was an awesome cat. I loved that cat. I would have died for that cat. But having Q around did not loosen Case up. He pretty much hates all people. Oddly (or not) my dog Stella is apparently the only creature on earth that Case doesn’t hate.

I have never harmed this cat. I have tried to be friends. It hasn’t worked out. The feeling is mutual and we’re both OK with it.

But lately I have been trying to think of the best way to kill my cat, if I was to kill my cat. It must be legal for me to kill my cat, right? Here’s what I’ve come up with so far. Let me know if you have others to add.

  1. Drive it out to the country and shoot it.
  2. Drive it out to the country and leave him there.
  3. Bring it to the vet for a shot in a sterile room.
  4. Put it in a 5-gallon bucket with a tight lid and let him suffocate.
  5. Fill the bucket in #4 above with water.

For #1, my cat would be freaking out (not in its normal environment) so I’d have to put it in a cardboard box and then just shoot the box a few times. But if I’m gonna drive to the country, I may as well give him a chance to live off the land (#2). I personally think #3 is really lame. If I had to kill my cat at home I think I’d put catnip in a bucket and try get him in there and all fucked up and then I’d put the lid on real tight and let him go to sleep (#4).

What do you think?

I’M KIDDING!

(or am I…?)

HOWTO: Kill your cat

13 thoughts on “HOWTO: Kill your cat”

  1. Jessica Hale says:

    I really don’t understand the stigmas behind killing a cat. I have two cats they are not old, but I totally bit off more than I can chew. I do not have the patience to train them. One of is peeing on my bed. The older one has ringworm and runs away so I can’t treat it. Now my daughter has ringworm now. I don’t have the cash for vet. I can’t just waste all my resources on cats, no one should. No one should be pressured to care for a cat over a hot meal. The only thing keeping me from killing them is, the older one belongs to my sister and she is going through a divorce, so I don’t want to hurt her. But damn animals are killed by humans all the time as long as it’s humane whats gad damn deal about. Damn it I don’t have the income to disinfect my ehole house. Like Fuck

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  2. I want to be your friend. So I can be just like you! I will be your friend for a day or 2 and then say, ‘I don’t like you anymore.’ and torture you until you would rather DIE. I will force you to kill dogs and spend all your money to help cats. Cats are better than those slobbery, worthless bastards of an animal. Fuck you and your WHOLE family. I would rather kill thousands of people for 1 kitten. Or a cat even if it was feral. This just proves you should burn in hell. Sell the cat to someone else, you twat faggot. If not, put it in an animal shelter. At least it’s new owner wouldn’t be an idiotic fucker like you.

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  4. Jayne says:

    Love all these comments. Hilarious but there’s a black underlying truth here. I like cats in general. Don’t own any as the family have allergies. But there’s this stray that kills my garden birds. I’ve buried FIVE robins this week!!! It’s breeding season & I’m beside myself. I’ve also found evidence of 4 Goldfinch deaths. The thing is they NEVER eat Robins. I hate this dam Cat. It eats the hedgehog food I put out nightly. I guess the bloody thing is STARVING but I want it DEAD

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  6. Onyr says:

    Seems like the better solution for some of you is to kill your wife/girlfriend instead of the cat. The advantage of killing the cat is that it takes less planning and poses fewer consequences to you.

    OTOH killing the wife is a better long term solution.

    Just saying.

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  7. tmont007 says:

    Jack, I would have been a vapor trail if I had gone through that crap when my wife and I were courting/ setting up housekeeping. As it is, we agreed that cats were not an option. In fact, no pets outside of the box turtle she had for 15 years prior. Then we bought a big house on a secluded lot. With that came mice. A cat seemed like a viable option, only as an exterminator. That went well for a while, then he went mental. Literally, I think he had a stroke. He can’t focus, or walk straight, the vet wanted tons of dough to figure it out. So, we figure we will just let him live out his life, useless as he is. But at least he doesn’t claw up the furniture anymore, and he still uses his poop box, so he isn’t much of a problem. But we got another one to do the mousing job. This one is a mess. He jumps into the bed to sleep with us at night, regardless of how far I chuck him, he keeps coming back, He ” makes biscuits” on my wife’s garments, which makes me want to flush him down the toilet. He vomits everywhere.
    My idea for killing that cat is no where near humane. But I bet it would be fun. Put him in a small wooden keg, pound 8 penny nails through the sides and top, and roll it down our long, steep driveway. If I didn’t understand that if my wife and daughter found out what I did, it would be curtains for me, I would already have done it.
    As it stands… I’m waiting him out. Eventually my wife will get tired of him puking on her nice rugs and stuff, and will ask me to deal with him. I will daydream about the wooden keg. But most likely he will be taken ” to a nice farm family out in the country”.

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  8. jack33nyus says:

    Bigbadbry and oldraj51, I have the same problem but with my fiance. She has these 2 cats, which do nothing but destroy the house. From clawing the screens on our windows, to destroying furniture to shitting on our bed and in the sink, to getting car hair and kitty litter everywhere and stinking up the house, to costing extra money we don’t have and occasionally trying to claw and and bite our little 1 year old daughter. These cats are a nuisance and she ALWAYS defends them! Even to the point where I’ve said it’s me or them and she says ok bye. Seriously, I think she would screw the cats over me if she has a chance. I’m at my wit’s end and ready to call the relationship quits because of these damn felines!

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  9. oldraj51 says:

    i hate my wifes cats, one of them just clawed her in the face today giving her a huge gash, she defended the cat saying it was an accident. I’m gonna slam its head in the door and say that was an accident as well. cats suck.

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  10. Bigbadbry says:

    I have 3 of these little shit machine bastards all they do is eat shit and destroy my house , but the wife refuses to get rid till they part with this world naturaly , does anyone know a quick way of speeding up the natural process ?

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  12. Mike Phenow says:

    Either shoot it or just let it go feral. A well-placed shot with the proper firearm is quick, painless, and humane, not to mention cheap. Letting it go feral may be a bit of a crap shoot, as it may thrive or struggle, depending on its fortune. If it doesn’t seem to get along with anybody anyway, maybe it would be most happy in the wild, and if you believe Alan Weisman in The World Without Us, house cats would do very well (maybe too well) in the wild.

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